Sounds like an opportunity

by | Mar 12, 2022 | Updates

“Sounds like an opportunity”

I woke up this morning and realized I’m less than 48 hours out from surgery.  There are a few observations I wanted to make before the day arrives.

Right after I published my Wednesday update, John turned on the TV and this scene popped up.  He did not search for this show. He wasn’t scrolling for something to watch.  He turned on the TV and this was on.  THIS scene.

This is my favorite scene and favorite monologue from any movie.  It’s Morgan Freeman in the role of God in the movie Evan Almighty.  To me, the message is profound and it’s shaped how I’ve viewed various circumstances and events in my life,  including a massive shift in my thinking over the past three weeks.

For years, I prayed that God would allow me to live a long, healthy, happy life with John and my kids, and live to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary.   I was obsessed with the idea of a 50th wedding anniversary.  Every day, same words, same prayer, over and over.

I bargained with God every day.  I explained to him that I had “paid my dues” because my dad died when I was five.  Seeing as I already lost someone so key to my life, I was “good” and all He had to do was allow me to go on and live that long, healthy, happy life and never ever let anything bad happen to me or my kids or my husband.  Unfortunately, this delusional thinking brought about what I have referred to for years as my death phobia.  An irrational fear that death was always lurking at my door, just waiting to take my loved ones away from me.  You can imagine the horror I felt when John was diagnosed in 2020 with the same cancer that took my father from me.  On that fateful day,  my greatest fear was realized:  My loved one was facing possible death.  It was every bit as agonizing as you would imagine it to be and it took me a good solid month to NOT dry heave every morning, all alone, in the kitchen sink!   With the help of a great therapist and some incredible faith-filled family and friends and loads of prayer,  I eventually realized that worrying about death wasn’t going to prevent it from possibly happening.  John battled his way through and by God’s grace and deliverance and a TOP NOTCH team at Froedtert, he was cured.

This is where I struggle to put into words, what happened next.  Over the past year, despite everything I learned through John’s illness, I continued to say the same prayer.  “Dear God, long healthy happy life. 50th wedding anniversary. No more death, increase my faith blah blah blah”.  The horrible death phobia feeling wasn’t there, but my mind hadn’t quite matured up, if that makes sense.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still bought into this idea that NOW I had truly paid ALL my dues!  Nothing else could possibly happen to me or my family!  I was good!  We’re all good!  Bad times are done!

What happens?  I have a seizure and find out I have a brain tumor.  This is where this movie clip comes into play.  I prayed for years that God would increase my faith.   This is EXACTLY what’s happened over the past three weeks.  I have never in my life, felt the presence of God like I do now.  My faith is stronger than I could have imagined it could ever be.   As Morgan Freeman says in the clip, It’s an opportunity from GOD!  Additionally, It’s finally clicked in my head, that a long, healthy, happy life AND going through some bumps along the road ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!  I can still live a long, healthy, happy life and STILL have a 50th wedding anniversary and STILL beat brain cancer!  I can do both at the same time!

I hope that what I type next doesn’t offend anyone, but I really am grateful for what I’m going through.  I believe with all of my heart and soul, that God only allows us to go through what we really need to become the best version of ourselves.   Of course, I’m not looking forward to brain surgery.  However, the transformation in my thinking since this diagnosis has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life.  I think it’s during the hardest times that God draws closest to us, and how blessed am I to actually feel that?!

I am happy.  I am not afraid.  I feel so loved.  I feel God’s peace surrounding me.  I pray that every one of you who’s taken the time to read through this feels the same in your own lives.  If you don’t, and I can help, please reach out to me.

On a lighter note, I ask that those of you who are so inclined, add to your prayers, that whoever is in charge of the head shaving on Monday, has some common AND fashion sense!  If done correctly, I believe I could flip the left side of my hair over to the right and no one will be the wiser LOL!

About Me

In February 2022, I was diagnosed with brain cancer and it changed my whole life perspective. This blog is dedicated to my Journey through cancer diagnosis, recovery, and finding the humor in life.