When you don’t want to hear what you have to say

by | Aug 29, 2023 | Her Story | 14 comments

I’ve always had a bit of a contemplative streak in me;  I enjoy thinking about all sorts of things.  Things that are absurd or difficult to understand. Mind you, those thoughts are never so intellectual that I wouldn’t be able to discuss them with the average human being.  To put it in perspective, I’ve often listened to Bishop Robert Barron’s homilies on YouTube and got completely lost in what he was saying.  And when I say lost, I don’t mean so absorbed in his words that I’ve lost track of time.

More like, so lost, I needed a dictionary to understand some of the words he said. For example, today while discussing/comparing children and their parents  to our relationship with understanding why God allows certain things to happen, he said, “Children don’t have the capaciousness of mind….”


I had NO IDEA what that word meant. It means having a lot of space inside.  In essence, children don’t have the capaciousness of mind to understand why their parents do things they may not like (like shots at the doctor, no candy before dinner, etc.). But I’m getting off track….

Let’s just say that if you knew the definition of capacious, my contemplations would bore you because you’re likely far more intellectual than I am.

I was contemplating why I’d been trying so desperately to fill my time.  Initially, I thought it was a lack of patience (see my last blog post) and while that may be part of it, I started thinking there may be more to it than just impatience.

Am I afraid of what I’ll hear if I sit silently with myself?

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a talker.

I may be a bit shy at first with a group I don’t know, but get me going and you probably won’t get me to stop! In fact, I have report cards to show this was a well-known trait of mine all through grade school.  On the behavior section of the report cards, there was always a number 11.  “disruptive in class” or “talks too much and disturbs other students”.  In fact, it was so bad, that I was repeatedly kicked out of and finally banned from my high school library because I couldn’t keep my trap shut!

Here’s the BEST one….I was kicked out of the forensics room because….you got it….I talked too much!  HOW DOES A KID GET KICKED OUT OF A CLUB THAT’S ALL ABOUT TALKING….IN PUBLIC??!!  I was in storytelling which in hindsight makes perfect sense since that’s more or less what I do on this blog.  But again, I’m getting off track.

This inability to shut up extends to my mind and what Fr. Arul, our parish pastor calls “our monkey mind”.  My monkey mind is always always going.  But here’s the thing: I do not have attention issues. Not at all!  I’m just always thinking about things.  And before anyone comments “Have you tried meditation?”

The answer is:  “Yes. Yes I have. For years”.

I’ve actually considered picking it back up. I used the Headspace app and was able to quiet my mind down.

But having this current monkey mind made me wonder if there’s something I’m trying to escape or don’t want to admit to myself about my health and recovery.  I have zero fear of this tumor coming back.  I’m not worried about my upcoming hip replacement. And I know I’m healthy otherwise based on the lab work I’ve had which included testing for everything under the sun.  Unfortunately, the very last thing I feel like doing is sitting still and quieting my mind (which probably means it’s EXACTLY what I should be doing.

So, as we head into this new week, I’m going to incorporate some daily meditation into my mornings.  I’ll let you know how it goes….

Oh, and I bought a 4th rock tumbler…..I have the capaciousness of garage space to accommodate this hobby of mine LOL.


About Me

In February 2022, I was diagnosed with brain cancer and it changed my whole life perspective. This blog is dedicated to my Journey through cancer diagnosis, recovery, and finding the humor in life.


  1. Carla

    Ah, a blog post so relatable, even the author doesn’t want to hear it! Finally, something I can truly resonate with! 🙂 Great post Bebe!

    • Julie Kurtz

      Thanks for approving your comment and being my editor!!!! 🥰

  2. jane crowell

    I share your habit of compulsive busyness, but mine is probably a touch of OCD. I think your own amazing, clever, funny mind behaves like a racehorse hitched to a plow, as Grandpa Schouten would say if he were here. Physically, you’re somewhat limited, so your active, capacious mind is trying to compensate for that. For you, any limitation is only invigorating. You’re amazing, talented daughter! Love you lots!

    • Julie Kurtz

      Thanks mom! I had forgotten all about grandp’s comment and I do remember him saying it to me with that perpetual sparkle in his eye “Julie, you are a race horse hitched to a plow” I miss both grandma and grandpa so much

  3. Pat

    So well written. Enjoyed reading it! Keep it up, Julie Dear.

    • Julie Kurtz

      Thanks aunt Pat!

  4. Mary Beth Shaw

    Julie my mind never shuts down and sometimes( gets worse every year) my mouth doesn’t. I have a lot of trouble slowing down as well. My mother used to say I was like a “Bull in a China Closet” I have come realize that when I am in perpetual motion, I am usually discussing, debating trying to figure out things in my head. All the while I am cleaning, cooking, working, cutting the grass ,exercising, you get the picture. Sometimes I am ranting and raving silently as well. It has been suggested to me this is healthier than say ……. punching something? Several years ago I had the realization that I am simply having conversations with Jesus. He is the one person that always has time to listen, he will sit patiently without making a comment and won’t judge me for what I am thinking, debating or ranting about. He doesn’t tell me to be still and I’m making his head spin(yes I’ve been told that). I also realized I always feel better after. With that belief I can briefly sit still for at least a few minutes. At least until …… well you get it! Love ya!

    • Julie Kurtz

      And I’m the race horse hitched to the plow lol

      Thanks for this perspective of Jesus. It’s helpful to me to think of my monkey mind like this!!!

  5. Emmy

    Kicked out of Forensics for talking too much! Now that is hilarious!

    • Julie Kurtz


  6. Rich

    Ok I knew what capacious meant but I can’t imagine finding you thoughts boring. Ahhhh the Forensics room on floor 5 off English study room 501 I think, or was it 500? Good times good times. 🙂

    • Julie Kurtz

      Yes Rich! It was on the fifth floor facing west. Those were some good times! Lol

  7. Terry McGill

    I can completely relate to this!
    I’m a talker, over thinker as you know, and need to find ways to quiet my mind. Meditation has often been tough for me because I overthink whether I’m breathing the right way or doing it the right way.

    As far as the talking part…. Man, I could only imagine what it would’ve been like if we were in the same classes back in the day.
    They would’ve split us up in a heartbeat, but it would’ve been a hoot! Lol

    Your blog is awesome my dear friend! I find myself so often nodding my head and giggling, because I can see you doing these things, and also because I can relate. Thanks for sharing your gift of writing with us!

    • Julie Kurtz

      We almost got kicked out of Best Buy over the karaoke machine! We would never have made it through high school together lol!


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