It’s that time of year again….the sun takes longer to show itself in the morning, and goes to bed far earlier than it does in June.

And while I’ve learned to love fall (the changing of the season, cooler temps, leaves turning bright orange, red, and yellow, pumpkins, soup, football, and sweaters, outdoor fires) fall also brings a sense of gloom.  For me at least.

It’s the dreaded SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  And it’s a Pain in the ass. (PITA)

While I’ve never been formally diagnosed with this, it happens to me every year and has for what feels like forever.  Ironically, I don’t remember feeling this last fall.  It’s probably because I was so preoccupied with my lab and chemo schedule and was already anxious and mildly depressed because of the brain cancer ordeal.

I know I’m not alone with this and it just ticks me off that my love for fall always seems to be marred by this biological nonsense.  I’ve tried everything from vitamin D supplements, exercise, dietary changes, the “happy” lite – which actually gave me a headache.  Nothing seems to help. This dullness that sets in, robs me of my joy and I’ve just about had it.  All I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and sleeping away the day.  Believe me, it’s not what I do and wouldn’t do it, but it’s how I feel.

Fortunately, I don’t feel depressed.  Just blah.  I’m not even irritable.  I just feel incapable of getting going and getting things done.  But renaming the disorder SAD PITA makes me laugh. So I guess I’ll just continue to make fun of it and since it’s not a person I’m mocking but a disorder, I’m in the clear with Jesus. (see my last post).

I’ve also found that letting go of trying to control so much and putting my life into Jesus’ hands has helped me tremendously.  I have found myself saying two phrases every morning when I wake up and throughout the day:

1. Your will, not mine
2. Your timing, not mine.

When you surrender in this way, you relieve yourself of the burden of figuring everything out.  You also eliminate the inevitable second-guessing that often accompanies a control freak’s decision.  By willfully surrendering your life to God this way, you WILL find peace and joy. Not just happiness but true joy (that’s for my next post).

In doing this, I find that I actively watch for and listen to God’s voice.  My recent post that I shared that was sent to me by a very good friend is a perfect example of this.  Like the baby in the video, if I listen for and hear His voice, I feel peace.  When I resort to my own understanding and try to control everything, MORE anxiety kicks in.

HE NEVER FAILS ME!!!

This morning, I had my surgical consult for the hip replacement I need to have completed.  My hip issues started in 2021 and at that time I had mild to moderate arthritis.  Fast forward to the spring of 2023, and PT made my pain worse!  Updated X-rays showed bone-on-bone arthritis.  I was lucky to get in for the surgical consult this month.

When I checked in at the office, I noticed there were already 2 people ahead of me.  I had been told by my Sports Medicine Doc, that the surgeons were 6 months out from doing the surgeries.  All I could think of was “These people are going to get the next dates available and my surgery is gonna be pushed even further out!”  I had some X-rays done and waited for probably 20 to 25 minutes in the room, thinking the entire time that at this rate, it would be 2025 before I’d get surgery.

The doctor came in, confirmed what I already knew, and said he was booked until March.  His PA piped up and said, “Actually it’s April”.  I sighed heavily and said, “Well, at least I can work on losing some weight before then” (The PA nodded in agreement a bit too enthusiastically for my liking…)  I asked if there was a wait list I could be put on and there is, but it’s rare for people to cancel.  Most are like me….they wanna get it done, heal up, and move on with their lives.

The doctor told me “Thomas” the nurse would be coming in to do the scheduling.  I remember thinking, there’s nothing I can do about it.  If this is the best time for this surgery God, then so be it.  Right then, Thomas walked in and said:

“SO, how does December 6th sound?”

I almost started crying.  I stared at him open-mouthed mouthed completely incredulous!  He said he was going over the cancelations before he came in to see me and that date had opened up.

HIS TIMING, NOT MINE.

I need to note that prior to this appointment, I did have two injections done.  One in the tendon and one directly into the joint.  One has to be at least three months past the last injection before surgery can be done.  Twice last week, I messaged my sports medicine doctor thinking I needed a third injection in my glute tendon.  Both times, the nurse came back saying I’d have to wait 3 months before anything else could be done.  At the time, I felt ignored and frustrated, thinking I’d have to wait until November or December and would have to just deal with the pain.  Had they acquiesced, I would not have been eligible for the December 6th surgery date!  As I’ve said many times….THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES! ONLY GOD!

As I scheduled my follow-up appointments at the front desk, the receptionist told me that the person who checked out just before me wasn’t able to get in until April.

Like I said….HE’S NEVER FAILED ME!  HIS WILL, NOT MINE.  HIS TIMING NOT MINE.

This was exactly what I had been hoping for! And suddenly, the dismal fog of SAD PITA has lifted!