Running on sarcasm and bullshit

I’ve been holding off on posting, waiting for some inspirational thoughts to appear.  In reality, I’ve hit a big wall.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me just say that physically, I’m fine.  That is if you don’t count the joint and muscle aches that I have, along with fatigue.  The truth is this;  I’m tired of being sick and tired.  I’m just over it!  I’m going to also preface this entry by saying there will likely be some vulgar language used in my post, so if that offends you, Stop reading now (what I really wanted to say was F OFF!, so that gives you a peek into my mindset lately).

Battling cancer SUCKS! Despite how positive and inspirational I may come across in some of my posts, I still have plenty of moments where I’m a complete grouch.  Like today.  Despite often finding something inspirational on Instagram, when I’m in a moment like I am now (spiteful, angry, grouchy, in pain) Instead of allowing myself to be inspired, I find myself mocking the post.  For example, you’ll notice the picture of the daffodils springing up from the ground.  I TOOK THIS PHOTO.  These flowers are literally outside my front door.  On a good day, I’d find a way to compare the growth of these soon-to-be beauties to my over-year-long struggle with getting through this treatment.  I’d wax and wane about how they’ve been asleep for a year, saving up their energy for just this moment.  How beautiful and wonderful it will be once they’ve completed their growth and shown their beautiful yellow faces.  Instead, I look at them, take a picture and think “FUCK YOU FLOWERS! YOU wouldn’t be doing so great if I poured toxic chemicals on you for a year and pulled out your root system! (I Know, It’s harsh language and even typing it makes me feel bad for the poor little flowers just doing there thing).  But sometimes that’s just how it is.  And as I type out these words, I can feel my anger and grouchiness slipping away.  I guess my true medicine is humor.  Being funny or making fun of things in an uncruel way, has always made me laugh.  For example, check out my picture of the “peace of mind planner book”.

I have always been a planner.  As anyone who’s lived with me will tell you, I have notes all over the place. Multiple notebooks everywhere. I LOVE writing things down and rarely accomplish half of what’s written. I do the same thing with fresh fruits and vegetables, particularly spinach.  I buy it, pop it in my fridge with the best intentions, wait for it to slowly rot, and then throw it away.  Same with the notes;  I write down what I plan to accomplish in the day, do what I deem to be fun, and forget the rest. I consider it progress that I no longer feel guilty about any of this (including the fruits and vegetables). Anyway, I bought this book thinking I’d fill it out.  Which I will, eventually.  And in the process of purchasing the book, I noticed the “used” option for less money,  A USED END OF LIFE PLANNER???? I’m still tempted to spend the money to see what’s in it! I mean, what section was “used”?? The financial section or the “what to do with the pets when I’m gone” section? I think I’m going to buy it.

In case any of you were wondering how my Lent was going, let me just say that there’s probably NO ONE who failed more than I did.  The only thing I started on 3/25 was this “IMPOSSIBLE NOVENA” and I’m questioning even that.  In case you’re wondering what it is, it’s a set of novena prayers that are said every day for 9 months: 3/25 to Christmas Day (9 months of Mary being pregnant with Jesus). And for those non-Catholics who think we pray to Mary, we don’t.  We pray for her intercession!  YES, YOU CAN PRAY DIRECTLY TO JESUS IF YOU WANT TO! But as a mother, every one of my kids has come to me at some point on behalf of a sibling. I can tell you as a mother, it’s a powerful thing.  One can’t help but be swayed by their mom, and since Jesus is also human, it’s true for him as well.  The problem I’ve been having with this “IMPOSSIBLE NOVENA”, is the name of the novena itself.  I spent a good majority of time deciding if I was being superstitious thinking that praying this would be like some magic incantation.  That’s not my issue. MY issue was and is with the word IMPOSSIBLE. Because, as it says in Matthew 19:26 “JESUS looked at them and said ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'”.  So why am I praying for things that are impossible when in fact, with faith in God ANYTHING is possible?  It’s only a matter of His timing.  I suppose it’s a good thing I’ve realized this.  That it doesn’t take a 9-month Novena to make me realize that God can and will take care of me.

I have many other things I want to write about but will save them for next time.  I’ll simply finish with this; I’m currently on my 4th to last chemo cycle.  After this one, which ends on Sunday, I’m down to three!

As we head into Holy Week, I hope that you all find peace and Joy.  If you don’t find it, call me. I haven’t either. That’s actually a lie.  Writing this post has cheered me up! Hope it helped you too.

Love and Happy Holy Week,

Julie